May 7, 2023
It’s been a while…the past few years have been…interesting. Not all bad, not all good. Scary and surreal, sad and (occasionally) joyous. A combination of emotions for us all, I believe. I lost my mother a few months after the release of my last book (2018) and her death turned my world upside down. How could I ever live without her? It still feels…wrong. My mom was my rock. And I’ve been floating through space without someone to ground me. When I’m low I hear her voice in my head shouting, GET UP, JAYNIE! KEEP MOVING! And I try. Over the past five years I’ve taken care of my children, fallen in love, gotten engaged, broken off my engagement, broken my own heart, traveled to Italy three times and to Ireland twice. I go to the occasional concert and Broadway show, have dinner with friends, teach my heart out every day. I’ve even managed to write a first draft of my fifth book (still untitled). I’m trying. Then last summer, in July 2022, I lost my twin brother. I’ll be honest, I haven’t been the same since. How did it feel when my twin died? Like half of me died too. He was born with a heart defect and had other issues as well. I could tell by his voice the last time we spoke on the phone that something was wrong. I took the ferry to the mainland, drove to his house expecting to take him to a walk in clinic. When I walked into his house that horrible summer day, I couldn’t believe my eyes. My brother could barely move, was swollen beyond recognition and I said, “We’re going to the hospital. Now.” He didn’t protest. I helped him to the car, drove him to the hospital and wheeled him into the emergency room. We didn’t have to wait. They admitted him immediately, was instantly surrounded by doctors saying the most terrifying things, then he was transported by ambulance to the city hospital late that night and never left. Nine days later he was gone and…I have no words. Sometimes I feel like I’m living someone else’s life, just going through the motions, but I’m trying to wrap my head around his passing. I’m trying to figure out who the hell I am if not my mother’s daughter or my brother’s twin? I know…I’m a mom, a teacher, a friend, a writer, a traveler, a sea glass hunter. I’m everything and nothing.
But I’m trying.
Along the way I experienced (with the rest of the world) the surreal COVID pandemic, and time has become very fluid. A month passes by in a minute, I can’t remember if something happened yesterday or last year, my children have somehow grown into young adults, which isn’t possible, because I’m still thirty (in my mind!). How can my eldest child be the same age I was when I had him? I think I’m having an existential crisis. Knowing I’m more than half way to the grave is an unsettling thought. I have watched the two people closest to me take their last breaths and am not comforted by the peacefulness of their passing. I’ve been left with more questions than answers. These years of chaos and uncertainty and loss have changed me as I know they have changed us all. I am not unique.
We are all trying.
The purpose of writing this…whatever you want to call it…was to thank those of you who have been buying my books online for years (daily and from all around the world) without me doing a stitch of publicity. I check my sales numbers every week and am pleasantly surprised every time! I don’t know how you found my books, but I’m grateful for your support. Summer is almost here and I’ll be fine tuning my fifth novel over the break. As you know, I write about relationships and try to keep it as real as possible. It’s taken me a long time to purge this new book from my soul, but I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.
‘Til next time.
Jayne