I had goals this summer. This was supposed to be the “Summer of Jayne.” I was going to get back into shape (nope), finish my book (nope), eat healthy (nope). I didn’t do anything I planned to do, but it wasn’t a bad summer. I had a lovely vacation in Ireland, flat tires and all. Spent lots of quality time with my daughters (by quality, I mean they were here, we watched movies and I made them food), a little time with my friends (they were here, we went to the beach and they made me food). I worked on my book and progress was made (better than nothing), got rid of a bunch of junk in the house and ordered some new furniture (someday it’ll even get delivered to this flipping island).
School starts tomorrow and I’m sick to my stomach contemplating the big leap onto the hamster wheel. The school year feels like that much of the time, running in circles and getting nowhere. Or maybe it’s two steps forward, three steps back? Pick your cliché.
Teaching is all consuming. My days are structured into 47 minute juggling acts, no two alike. Ever. Unlike mainland teachers, I teach five grade levels every day (vs 2-3) with five different preps (vs 2-3). It’s fucking hard and those ADHD meds are absolutely necessary for my easily distracted brain to function on a daily basis. I bust my ass. And (this is the part that scares me) once I’m in the groove, I don’t notice the passage of time. From Monday – Friday, school is my life. And it’s not healthy. At all.
I need boundaries. I’ve set up a few in my personal life, I need them professionally as well.
This year has to be different. I can’t let another year slip by completely dominated by school. I can’t crawl through the door at four-thirty, too tired to take a walk or cook, curl up on the couch and stare at a television screen. I want to LIVE, not exist. I’ve given everything to this job. Sometimes I wonder, what has it given me? A paycheck? Health insurance? A retirement package (when I reach 70)? Those are big things and I’m not poopooing them. I lived without financial security for years and it sucked. But money isn’t everything.
Bigger picture? I’ve impacted the lives of students, my work is meaningful, I’m never bored (unless I’m at a faculty meeting or professional development), and I get more vacation time than most. I have to keep reminding myself…what I do changes lives. But my goal this year is balance. I have to balance the energy I give to my work with the energy needed to improve the quality of my life.
I’ll be lucky to get twenty winks tonight. I haven’t set up my classroom nor planned this week’s lessons. So what am I doing to ease my anxiety and prepare myself for what lies ahead? Exactly what I said I don’t want to do once school begins; sitting on a couch, watching television, wasting time, praying this year won’t be like every other year.
Good lord, give me strength! I need a bottle of Pepto and some Xanax with a side dish of motivation. Pronto.