I would love to figure out how to balance self-care with living life to the fullest. How do I take care of myself, physically and mentally, and travel, my favorite thing in the world? I feel like self-care is a full time job, to the exclusion of…pleasure? Which makes absolutely no sense! Isn’t pleasure part of self-care? Why can’t I travel and take care of myself at the same time?
Why? Because part of taking care of myself is establishing a routine to achieve my fitness/health goals. There’s no routine in traveling and exploration. The point of exploring is to experience something new and exciting. To live fully in the moment. To vacate real life and try another culture on for size.
I have the opportunity to go to Ireland before school starts in September. I really want to go but decided it was more important to focus on eating healthy and maintaining a workout regimen. But is it? Every morning I wake up and question this decision. Should I stay or should I go? I’ve been out of school for exactly a month and except for the few days spent off island, I’ve done pretty well in the self-care department. Will I fuck it all up if I go away for ten days?
It’s not too late. I still have time to take this trip. But will I sabotage my progress if I do? Last week I was in New York and enjoyed some of the best food I’ve ever tasted. They weren’t Michelin star restaurants or cafés we researched beforehand. No, we happened to walk past these fine establishments when we happened to be hungry, checked out the menu and said, okay! Let’s give it a whirl! They did not disappoint.
What is disappointing? Feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Summer is the worst. It’s too hot to wear layers or hide the extra pounds. I feel naked and exposed. But who really gives a flying fuck what I look like…except me? Am I so self-absorbed that I believe everyone with whom I cross paths is judging my appearance? Sometimes…but it generally coincides with how I feel in a particular outfit. It’s about me, not them. I’m judging myself.
Walking the steaming hot streets of New York City last week, a line from a movie came to me. “You’re a middle-aged woman in New York. You’re basically invisible.” And I have to say, the thought comforted me. I don’t mind being invisible, especially when I’m not feeling great. In my younger years, appearance was everything. In my twenties, I was just as uncomfortable when people paid attention to me (aka flirting) as when they didn’t! I was a wallflower, more comfortable on the periphery of the action than at the center. I guess I still am to a degree.
Which brings me back to my original question. How can I live life to the fullest while taking care of myself? Can I create that balance in my life?
I’m not getting any younger. I had my annual physical the other day and the doctor said I’m perfectly healthy *knock wood*. If I’m going to travel, do I wait until I lose a few pounds? Do I put my life on hold in the name of self-care? In twenty or thirty years will I look at pictures of my fifty-one year old self in Ireland and say, what were you thinking, Jayne, you looked so fat? Or will I treasure the experience? I’m betting on the latter.
My twin brother died a year ago. He never really traveled. He didn’t have many friends. He never had a significant other. My brother stayed home a lot. I always felt like he was waiting for life to miraculously change in order to start living. But it didn’t change and he missed out on so much. My brother wouldn’t want me to stay home, waiting to feel good about my body before doing what I love.
I think…I’ve answered my own question. Life is for living. To stay home would dishonor my brothers memory. He’s with me wherever I go. I have the rest of the year to focus on self-care, so fuck my insecurities. I must put aside my inhibitions and travel. For my brother. For myself.