It’s quiet in here. I’ve been in constant motion, surrounded by people every day for almost a month. Now? Everyone is gone and I could sleep for a week. Some people don’t like to be alone but I’ve never been one of them. Oh, I have lonely moments now and then, but for the most part, I enjoy my own company. That’s when I get to create a whole other universe where I control everyone and everything. In my stories I can be the person I always wanted to be, eat whatever I want and never gain an ounce, live in my dream house, travel to far off places, explore different professions, create the ideal man, choose my motherhood status, bring my mother and brother back to life. Where I exist in an alternate reality, one in which I’m pulling all the strings for hours at a stretch.
After reading those words some may conclude I’m not a happy person, but they’d be wrong. I am happy most days. I’m a silver lining kind of gal, the cup is half full. I’m an optimist, a dreamer. Even when things are shitty, I know the feeling or situation will pass. It always does. Generally speaking, I don’t let other people bring me down. I may get pissed off for a spell, but I stopped caring what other people think about me a long time ago. I have nothing left to prove to anyone but myself.
I firmly believe whatever we put out into the world, is what we receive. If the past fifty-one years have taught me anything, it’s that. Spread hate, hate comes back to you. Spread love, you get love in return. I have a lot of love in my life, so I must be doing something right. My friends are my family. This isn’t to impugn my blood relatives, they are good people, but would we hang out together if not connected by DNA? Maybe? Maybe not? My friends, however, we cheer each other on and lift each other up when life gets hard. If I hit a bump in the road, all I have to do is send out the SOS and my people, my chosen family, are there for me. It helps that I’m a good judge of character and don’t allow fake people into my orbit.
Other people aren’t as fortunate. I feel sorry for good folks who allow toxic people into their lives. For whatever reason, they don’t know the difference and have been made to feel like they deserve less than loyalty and kindness. It’s unfortunate when they’re blind to the bad intentions of others. My bullshit-o-meter is finely tuned and for that I say ‘thank you, god!’ What’s glaringly obvious to me isn’t necessarily apparent to others. But bad apples eventually fall to the ground and it brings a smile to my face when good people shake the rotten fruit from their branches.
What makes a person toxic? How did they get that way? Some may argue they had shitty childhoods or were abused by people who were supposed to love them and I can see that. I understand how that could make a person unpleasant. But we all have within ourselves the ability to overcome the circumstances of our childhood and/or unkind, even abusive, lovers. It isn’t easy, but it’s possible if one is willing to put in the work.
I think toxic adults (people in the 40+ bracket) are fueled by one thing: jealousy. They want what others have instead of appreciating what’s within their reach. Toxic people are never satisfied and feed off others’ misery. If they can’t be happy then no one else should experience joy. It’s the poor-me syndrome. Grown-ups whining and wincing, gossiping and sniping, when they should be in intensive therapy. Or at the very least, doing some serious self-reflection.
I’ve taught my kids that jealousy is a wasted emotion. It makes people bitter, resentful and cruel. To those who feel the need to tear others down, I share one piece of advice; life is long (knock wood) and in the end the only person you’re competing against is yourself. Choose love and acceptance. You’ll be a happier, more contented person.
Happiness doesn’t guarantee a life of ease, even for a cockeyed optimist like me. Grief has long tentacles and tightens its’ grip more often than I’d like (to put it mildly). There have been many days over the past year I’ve had to push myself to do the simplest things, like get out of bed and go to work, brush my hair and teeth, make dinner, wash the dishes, do the laundry. Vacuum. Dust (that’s the hardest for some reason). Grade the papers. Simply being present for the people in my life is a struggle on those occasions. Grief empties the vessel and drains my energy.
Yet even on those dark days, I believe better days are ahead, that this too shall pass.
There’s very little in this world we have total control over. I can’t control the weather or fix the state of our broken democracy. I can’t control other people’s behavior or words. I can’t make people fall in or out of love. I can’t control the aging process, wrinkles, menopause…the whole nine. But I can control what happens in my books. I can play ‘god’ and create characters who reflect the attributes of people in my life or aspects of my own personality. I can unleash the demons inside and change the trajectory of the story with the tap, tap, tap of my keyboard. It helps to know there’s always a place where I call the shots, even if it’s an imaginary world I’ve created out of thin air. A world that only comes to life for others once I’ve purged the story from my being, start to finish, in the form of a book.