I can’t feel my body. Meredith stares blankly ahead of her, eyes darting from bureau to bed to the artwork hanging from her bedroom’s whale gray walls. I didn’t read that correctly, she tells herself and returns her gaze to the screen of her cellphone, but it has gone dark. She swipes her finger along the scratched surface to unlock the device, but her face isn’t recognized, and the ocean wallpaper stares back at her. She swipes up once more and waits for the facial recognition software to identify her, but again, it asks for her passcode. My phone doesn’t recognize me? Has her face transformed so much in the space of five minutes that she’s actually unrecognizable?
Her fingers visibly shaking, she slowly pushes in the six-digit code and at last her screen comes back to life. The text message she received minutes ago, revealed again. Meredith holds the device level with her face, squints her eyes and reads its’ contents once more. Three words. Annie should know better than to send these particular words in a text. These three words should only be uttered after consuming copious amounts of wine. These words should only be said in person, so her best friend can wrap her arms around her while Meredith more than likely has a nervous breakdown. Meredith reads the words again and this time, her heart starts racing and tears well up, threatening to spill onto her cheeks. No…a voice in her head whimpers. Not now.
Meredith turns the phone over on her nightstand, praying the message simply disappears. Why not? The subject of the message simply disappeared an entire lifetime ago. All of these years later, no matter who she is with or the path life has taken, their relationship haunts her and she’s subconsciously waited for the words that have taken her phone hostage for the better part of…god help her…fifteen years? She does a little math in her head thinking that can’t be possible. But it is. She hasn’t seen him in almost fifteen years.
Her memory plays tricks on her these days. Most years blend together; some racing by, a complete blur…others more distinct. The year she met him was significant, a year she will never forget. She remembers almost every detail of the following four years, a movie reel repeating over and over in her mind. She may go a year without playing the figurative movie, but then she’ll see something that reminds her of him, a North Face parka, a soft-top Jeep, the smell of lilacs, and the film picks up as if it never stopped. And when that happens…Meredith cringes at the thought…it’s not good. But she’s learned some coping mechanisms over time. Journaling helps. So does exercise. Moving to another state did wonders. It was her home state, a mere forty miles away, the tiniest state at that, but it was the symbolism that gave her strength. What helps Meredith stop the soundtrack to that particular movie is creating new memories that have nothing to do with him.
The past three years have been good. Better than good. Distinct. Memorable. He can’t re-enter her life now in any capacity. He overtakes her thoughts at the most inopportune times, even now. She can’t allow the slightest possibility of him to enter her imagination. Not when things are finally going right in her personal life.
Technology is pretty intelligent these days, she thinks, picking up her cell phone once again. It should know better than to deliver such unsettling news. “Go away,” she shouts at the phone, tossing it aside, covering it with a blanket. Like a child, out of sight, out of mind. If only it was that easy. With a heavy sigh, she leans back against her pillows, closes her eyes for a moment, and tries to conjure up a vision of her fiancé in her head. Several seconds pass and she fights against the vision crystalizing behind her eyes because it’s not Toby’s face appearing, it’s his. With this realization, her chest tightens with anxiety, squeezing more air from her lungs with each passing second. She can feel her heart knotting in her chest.
Before panic seizes her entire being, she grabs the framed photo of Toby from her nightstand and runs her fingers over the contours of his face, finding comfort in the love shining in his smiling eyes, his full lips parted with delight, for her. Because they are together. Meredith takes a deep breath in, a sense of calm enveloping her. Toby has that effect on her. Their relationship is the most grown up, functional and healthy one she’s ever been in. She studies his image, holding the frame in front of her, head tilted, a corner of her mouth turning up.
…..
Meredith takes a deep breath in, holds the picture frame against her chest and relaxes into thoughts of Toby and the feelings he evokes within her. Feelings of safety and comfort. Feelings she waited a long time to feel. About fifteen years, she thinks, her heart hardening, a flood of memories washing over her once again.
Three fucking words.
Graham is divorced.
Graham. Always Graham.
Damn him.